self-care update


Quick update:

If you’ve been reading my recent posts, you know that one of my goals for this year was to begin exercising. I initially planned to walk daily however, due to the weather being cold and living in an area that isn’t safe to walk in (too many cars, not enough sidewalks) I have decided to try yoga instead.

I found this great 30-day yoga challenge on Youtube and I just completed the first video. It’s almost 35 minutes long and its a bit challenging but I didn’t find it to be impossible. I’ll link the playlist here.

I encourage you to join me! In the future, if I find that this challenge goes well for me, I’d like to set up a support group for fitness and healthy eating on Facebook (that is, if I get enough follower support to do so 😛 ). From there, I could create self-care and wellness challenges for anyone wanting to participate. I would love to establish a tight-knit, supportive community for fellow anxiety/depression sufferers that can communicate daily. 🙂

In my next post, I’ll describe my experience with this first video. I also plan on discussing what I’m doing to eat healthier…I might even start a new series on my blog 😉 …expect more posts from me!


taking care of yourself-and why it’s so difficult

In my last post, I listed a bunch of new year’s resolutions. Upon publishing it, I realized that I left one out on accident: I want to take better care of myself. Alone, this goal is too vague, too lofty to be achievable. It needs to be broken down into a guideline of sorts so that I know what it is I have to do in order to be successful.

I’ve been inspired to make this guideline for self-care for awhile now. Beauty and lifestyle Youtuber Ingrid Nilsen has made videos around this idea and I love them…but they aren’t tailored to me (click here and here and here  and HERE for her videos). Plus, they’re all beautifully filmed, shot, and edited-not like real life at all.

So, what is my self-care routine? I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, of what it is that makes me feel refreshed, happy, and content. And, for so long I’ve been putting off writing a list of all these ideas floating around in my head. I couldn’t figure out why I was avoiding it even though I wanted to do it. But then it hit me-there’s so many things that I feel I need to do to take care of myself and that makes me anxious.

Why should self-care make someone anxious? Well, for me I think it’s because self-care means busting out of my comfort zone. That doesn’t mean that self-care involves taking major risks every day but, it does mean making big changes in my life. I spend the majority of my time ignoring and running away from my feelings by watching videos on Youtube and obsessing over social media. Doing this leaves me little time to take care of myself but, I’ve grown so comfortable being this way that I’d rather not take care of myself!

I guess I’ve always sort of realized this but, today I had an epiphany. It’s not just the amount of things I’d have to start doing, it’s also the amount of things I’d have to change. I encourage you all to make a self-care list of your own- feel free to share what it is that you like doing. I’m currently working on my list and I could use ideas!

– ❤



New Year’s Resolutions

So, I’ve been neglecting this blog (clearly). And if you’ve cared to keep up with me since last January, you’d know that I made a lot of resolutions for the new year. I can honestly say that I didn’t succeed in any of my resolutions. But, even though I failed I believe that I’m more capable now (being more realistic and mature) to set goals that I can actually achieve this year.

I’m obviously a few days late but, it’s still incredibly early in the year so here it goes:

  • I want to find a psychiatrist. I’ve been relying on my primary care physician (PCP) for my psychiatric prescriptions but, recent events have made me uncomfortable seeing him any more. The reason I haven’t looked for a psychiatrist sooner is because almost all of my experiences with psychiatrists have been negative. But, I’m hoping that being more mature and experienced will help me find someone good for me.
  • I want to find a therapist (that actually helps me move forward). I’m picky about who I let in when it comes to mental health professionals. The two therapists I’ve liked are wonderful people but have 1) moved away from me 2) haven’t pushed me to be better. I need someone who challenges me. Being challenged is scary because it means that I’ll have to be more vulnerable and honest than I have been. But, I need to do this because I’m so anxious/depressed that life isn’t enjoyable most of the time.
  • I want to eat healthier. Now, normally I don’t like goals like this because they’re vague and therefore harder to achieve. But, I know that I want to start with cutting out sugar because every time that I do this (I go through phases of doing this that normally last 2-4 weeks) I feel so much better. My skin clears, I lose weight, and my mood improves. I use sugary foods and carbs as comfort foods, and whenever I’m upset/stressed I binge eat. I’m hoping that recognizing this will help me to do better.
  • I want to procrastinate less. Again, vague but achievable. I’m hoping therapy will help me to do this.
  • I want to get back to doing things that used to bring me joy: drawing, singing, photography, and writing. Hopefully therapy will help me get back to doing these things: hopefully I can overcome the fear of not being good enough and just enjoy myself.
  • I want to consistently take my medications. Having a psychiatrist that I trust and am comfortable with will help me be consistent with asking for prescription refills so that I don’t have to ration my medications. I also need to work on remembering to take them because as much as I hate to admit it, I need my meds: they make me feel so much better.
  • I want to have a realistic exercise routine. The mistake I always make is going too hard in the beginning and burning myself out. I want to start by just walking outside. It seems silly but, I have anxiety of walking outside by myself because I did this when I was at my lowest four years ago. I would wander aimlessly, looking for my ex because I couldn’t drive and I knew he was lying to me about where he was. But, I need to take back walking and make it positive: it’s low impact, super easy for me to do, and it helps me to get outside and enjoy nature.

These are my goals- what are yours?

– ❤


A Sad Day

Today is a sad day for the world. It is a sad day for America. It is a sad day for all of those who are not white, who are poor, who are different. And, it is a sad day for those of us who have to sit with the guilt of belonging to a group who is responsible for putting Trump in power.

I am a mental-illness sufferer. I am a woman. I am the daughter of an immigrant. I am the friend of many types of people of all races, backgrounds, religions, and circumstances. I can not imagine what people with less privilege than myself are feeling. I am scared for my friends, my family; I am scared for myself. I am saddened that this is our new reality. I am ashamed of my country and what we have done.

Please, even if you are angry, do not fall into the trap of shaming others. There are many good people that voted for this man out of fear and ignorance; there are many more who did so out of hatred towards those who are different. But, we must not let this man divide us further. You have every right to be angry, but it is not right to hurt others in any way. There is so much more we could do to help in a situation that seems so hopeless for so many people.

click here for things you can do (courtesy of Huffington Post)

And always remember to speak up.

Stay strong America.




Quick Shoutout

Hi all,

Over a year ago, I wrote a piece for a friend of mine here on WordPress for his series entitled Coping: This Is Who We Are. In an effort to make my online presence more anonymous and to create a better piece of writing, I rewrote my submission. Paul, the man behind the blog Dear Hope, has been kind enough to allow me to revise my entry and I would love for you all to read it! It talks about my mental health journey. Click here!

If you do decide to check it out, I highly recommend following his blog to keep up with his posts. He does a lot of work to help lessen the stigma attached to mental illness while also giving smaller blogs like mine the opportunity to build a larger audience/spread their message. It’s a great thing he’s doing and he deserves all the support he can get. So please, check him out. Even if you don’t want to read my piece-go check his stuff out anyway!

(Just in case you missed the link above for his blog, click here!)

Hope you’re all doing well,

Date Night

“Natasha!” Britney whined in her squeaky baby voice. “What am I going to do about this boy?”

“Brit, he asked you on a date. Just be excited!” I said, somewhat exasperated. We’d been on this topic for the past two days and she wouldn’t let up no matter what I said. At this point, I’d resigned myself to laying on her bedroom floor and looking up at the ceiling as she paced back in forth in front of her closet.  I was desperately trying to be empathetic- after all, I was just as depressed as she was, albeit for different reasons. But, there was only so much of her crises I could take. All she ever did lately was dump her burdens onto my shoulders, knowing full well I could barely hold the weight of my own.

“But what if he wants something serious? I’m not ready, not after all the heartbreak I’ve been through with John.”

“He thought you were cute and he asked you out. That’s normal- you and John’s situation is totally different.” I glanced over to see her contemplating the same boring t-shirt dress she always wore.

“What do you think of this?” she asked me for the second time.

“You know what I think-it’s too plain and gives you no shape. If you wear it, you at least have to add an accessory. Like the necklace I just got you!” I said enthusiastically, proud of myself for thinking of the idea.

“Oh, I think that it’s still in my mom’s car, sorry” she said disinterestedly as she stared at herself in the mirror.

You think it’s in your mom’s car from three days ago? You can’t even pretend to like something I get you enough to bring it into your fucking house? Ten years of friendship and you’re up to the same shit…

I peered back up at the ceiling, doing my best to casually brush off what she’d just said. “What about the pretty, strapless, floral dress from before?”

“It makes me look too girly. I go for the nun-look so that creepy guys won’t hit on me. You can thank all the players I’ve had to deal with for that.”

I closed my eyes and rolled them so that she wouldn’t see. I knew that by ‘players’ she meant friendly strangers that had hit on her in college and John, the boy she never actually dated. It was true that John led her on and what he did was awful. But, she constantly acted as if they’d gotten a divorce when all they ever were was friends.

“You shouldn’t let guys hitting on you prevent you from wanting to look a certain way,” I told her. “You deserve to feel beautiful in whatever way makes you comfortable.”

“I like my t-shirt dress!” she exclaimed.

“If you say so,” I replied.


What she failed to remember-as she always did- was that I knew her better than she knew herself. I knew she liked John before she admitted to herself that she did. And I knew this ‘nun’ look of hers was just a shield she chose to hide behind because she was afraid this new guy was going to be another ‘player’.

Yet, for all of my knowing there’s things I didn’t see coming. I failed to see how she would cast our plans aside in exchange for something and someone else. I failed to see how she would try to make up for it with the lame excuse of being ‘too overwhelmed by it all’. I failed to see how she would expect me to stand by and act unaffected. I don’t know how I could’ve been so foolish, she’d done it all before. And she’d do it again if she could.

That’s why I made damn sure it’d be the last time.




In Flux

My mind is in flux,

Or so I’ve been told,

Keep digging through muck,

These things soon get old.


My mind is in panic,

Or so I’ve been told,

It’s hard being manic,

These things soon get old.


My body’s in flight,

Or so I’ve been told,

Running from sight,

These things soon get old.